18 May 2010

things i've broken



(idea thanks to this lovely little listing site)

1. the chain on my favorite circle necklace. given to me by my favorite adriana.
2. way too many promises than I'd care to admit.
3. my wrist. in fourth grade. while recklessly racing around Lookout Point Circle on my bicycle.
4. my other wrist. in sixth grade. while skiing down West Bowl and almost being run over by a snowboarder. his board went over my skis. so lucky it was only a wrist.
5. my heart.
6. two nalgene bottles. they say they are indestructible. not true.
7. the one remaining porcelain teacup from my childhood tea set. it had pretty pink roses on it. it survived a fire. but not my fumbling hands.
8. my mom's favorite christmas ornament when I was nine. we got in a fight. I was mad. so I threw it.
9. 4 phones, 3 iPods, and a computer. sometimes technology and i don't get along too well.
10. trust. and faith a few times too.
11. my favorite little mirror from my dress-up days. I was convinced I would have bad-luck for 7 long years. lots of tears were shed.
12. countless fortune cookies. probably one of the only things I really like to break apart.

if I'm being honest.



okay. it's time for full disclosure. even if it's only with the handful of people who actually read this.

jyndia just left. after a two-day whirlwind of adventures, in the end, it feels like she was only here for an afternoon. it’s weird to have an old friend visit you in a new place. all of a sudden, your two worlds merge together and at first, you are a bit shell shocked. everything feels a bit surreal. but it’s even more odd to feel like even with this great friend, you cannot find yourself. I thought she would get here and I would immediately fall back into my old self – the one I used to know so well. but now she is gone, and I feel just as lost as I ever did. she noticed it. of course she noticed it. I was holding back. trying to figure out how to mesh these two lives together, just for a few days. because, if I’m being honest, the girl I am now is so much different than the girl I was nine months ago. and if I’m being even more honest, this new girl is not one I like too well. I am selfish and sad and argumentative. I have always been stubborn, but now, sometimes I am just plain mean. I am more insecure than ever. I have hit creative roadblocks everywhere and I have become numb to them. I have been so worried about what others think of me that it has made it hard not to judge others for judging me. I have been so preoccupied with fitting in (or not fitting in) that I completely forgot how to be who I am. I have completely lost the girl I once was. and I kind of liked her.

and as much as I would like to blame it on other people or this new place, I can’t. I have to accept that my life is changing. I am entering something new, and I have to embrace it. like a dog that pulls at its leash, fighting to get somewhere it is not meant to go, I have to accept that all my straining is useless and will only end up making me lose my breath. for so long I have been fighting to get back to some semblance of the joy I once had – in Portland, with my closest friends, being known by people who love me and know how to love me well – all the while fighting against what I might be able to love if I let myself. but how do I do it? how do I start all over again?

for better or worse, I am learning. and it is so hard so much of the time. all I can do is pray. pray that God reminds me to be content. pray that He reminds me to be thankful. pray that He teaches me to trust people when it is seems impossibly impossible. pray that He knows what He’s doing – especially when I have no idea.

11 May 2010

april. hip to the hop.



this month was in a word, fresh. the sun was shining like crazy. and thanks, in large part to the lovely stephen michael metzger, my inner hip-hop nerd came out in full-force. maybe you've never met her. most people haven't. I keep her hidden most of the time, because let's be honest, she can't handle some of the stuff that's on the radio today.

but then, thanks (as usual) to my friend with the best blog ever I found this boombastic guy, and all of a sudden, my world was swirling with lyrics on top of beats so beautiful I almost couldn't function. and all of a sudden, this girl who has been gone for so long came back. and she peeks out so rarely, I thought I would give her an entire month to work with. plus, the earth is turning green again which always puts her a bit more at ease. so in honor of steve, and in great appreciation of warm weather: carrie's quintessential hip-hop playlist.

1. from the outside - deepspace 5 (for when I need fresh air)

2. love - mos def (for when I need light)

3. go ahead in the rain - a tribe called quest (for when the possibilities are endless)

4. know this - the remnant (for when everything seems wrong)

5. feel that way - gift of gab (for when everything seems right)

6. blazing arrow - blackalicious (for when I miss the town I grew up in)

7. will not be sold - poems and dust (for when I am full of uncertainty)

8. eye know - de la soul (for when I am full of joy)

9. the seed (2.0) - the roots (for when I can't help but dance)

10. everything is everything - lauryn hill (for when I can't help but wonder)

11. take a minute - k'naan (for when I need perspective)

10 May 2010

habit.

there's this lovely little blog I've been visiting everyday for the past few months. it teaches me how to celebrate little bits of my life. it's been over there on my side bar for quite some time, but I don't think I am giving it its proper due. I sort of feel like I am cheating you out of some incredible joy. so go check out habit. right now. everyday. I promise you won't regret it.