18 May 2010
if I'm being honest.
okay. it's time for full disclosure. even if it's only with the handful of people who actually read this.
jyndia just left. after a two-day whirlwind of adventures, in the end, it feels like she was only here for an afternoon. it’s weird to have an old friend visit you in a new place. all of a sudden, your two worlds merge together and at first, you are a bit shell shocked. everything feels a bit surreal. but it’s even more odd to feel like even with this great friend, you cannot find yourself. I thought she would get here and I would immediately fall back into my old self – the one I used to know so well. but now she is gone, and I feel just as lost as I ever did. she noticed it. of course she noticed it. I was holding back. trying to figure out how to mesh these two lives together, just for a few days. because, if I’m being honest, the girl I am now is so much different than the girl I was nine months ago. and if I’m being even more honest, this new girl is not one I like too well. I am selfish and sad and argumentative. I have always been stubborn, but now, sometimes I am just plain mean. I am more insecure than ever. I have hit creative roadblocks everywhere and I have become numb to them. I have been so worried about what others think of me that it has made it hard not to judge others for judging me. I have been so preoccupied with fitting in (or not fitting in) that I completely forgot how to be who I am. I have completely lost the girl I once was. and I kind of liked her.
and as much as I would like to blame it on other people or this new place, I can’t. I have to accept that my life is changing. I am entering something new, and I have to embrace it. like a dog that pulls at its leash, fighting to get somewhere it is not meant to go, I have to accept that all my straining is useless and will only end up making me lose my breath. for so long I have been fighting to get back to some semblance of the joy I once had – in Portland, with my closest friends, being known by people who love me and know how to love me well – all the while fighting against what I might be able to love if I let myself. but how do I do it? how do I start all over again?
for better or worse, I am learning. and it is so hard so much of the time. all I can do is pray. pray that God reminds me to be content. pray that He reminds me to be thankful. pray that He teaches me to trust people when it is seems impossibly impossible. pray that He knows what He’s doing – especially when I have no idea.