21 January 2011

"it's all happening."

sometimes I wonder, where along the way, I consented to "grow up." and I wonder if I can really handle all that is happening and all that is coming. so much of the time I feel ill-equipped and ill-prepared. did I miss those lessons that taught me how to date? how to find a healthy balance between work and life? how to budget? how to function daily as an adult? because lately I feel like a little girl playing dress up. I look at all that is ahead of me and can't imagine how I will ever be ready to handle it. even now, after all the "grown up" things I have done in the past year. (at this moment, I am on a plane coming home to dc from a work trip. I now travel for work. how ironic considering that I used to hate to fly.) even now, I still feel like a child only pretending to be an adult. and I really have no idea what I am doing. and I am a little bit scared. not just about the fact that I am 10,000 feet in the air and watching the wing of this airplane wobble in turbulence. but about all of it. can I really handle all that I am about to face? can I handle having a career where people count on me for things I am only just learning how to do? can I handle being in relationships where I am responsible for another person's heart? can I handle being a mother one day? can I handle being an adult? so much in me just doesn't think so.

but I know that despite my best efforts, time keeps moving forward. I keep growing up. and all forward motion counts. I will keep figuring out how to handle what I don't think I can. and really, I am excited about it all. I just wish I felt a little bit better equipped. then again, I guess if I was ready for everything all the time, I wouldn't really need to depend on the One who created me to "grow up" into the person he would have me to be. I guess if I felt totally equipped for it all, I wouldn't fully be able to know that I need him so desperately in every, single piece of my life.

so I will continue resting in the fact that although I am ill-equipped to handle all of this, he is not. and that is all I really need to know.

**bonus points for anyone who can name the film from which this post's title is taken from!

3 comments:

joyce said...

Guess what....you STILL feel that way in your 50s. I still feel ill-equipped and wonder why anyone with any common sense would expect or trust me to do ANYTHING right. It all seems to work out, though. God's grace makes all the difference.

Bonus Point: Don't want to ruin the guessing, so I'll just say one half of the title begins with "A" and the other half with "F" :}

for.the.kids said...

I love this post Carrie...and I'd say that most people our age are thinking the exact same thing. I know I am.... whats worse is that I work with kids and therefore they rub off on me and make me feel like I will never grow up because as I get older, the age I work with just stays the same. Weird concept right? I love the eloquence with which you write on this topic. You are so wonderful and believe it or not, when I look at you I see a woman with so much maturity its amazing. You do have a legitimate job, unlike those of us that just live at a camp with a bunch of kids and 11 other people in their mid 20s. It is scary to think that we are depended upon... it is overwhelming. But always know you have a group of people that knew you before adulthood and no matter how difficult the process of "growing-up" is we will forever know the true you that always will be a kid that just wants to play in the snow and watch the leaves fall in Portland, OR. ;) Miss you.

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