17 May 2011

writing to myself.

so it's been a while. and I'm going to be honest, I didn't really think it mattered if I came back or not. but then I remembered why I started this thing in the first place: to remind myself what it's like to write. and to notice the details. and to learn from every experience. and to acknowledge that even the most seemingly ordinary moments are not so ordinary after all. and I realized that even if not one person ever reads this (other than my mom - which of course, counts!) it doesn't mean that this doesn't matter. because it matters to me. and even if most days I don't know what to think about the life coming at me so fast and full of chaos this is one little way of reminding myself that I'll be okay. even on those days when I am tired and grumpy - or maybe especially on those days - I still need to keep writing and noticing and learning and acknowledging. if for no other reason than to look back years from now and remind myself that it is possible to find "gaping life" in every single moment and ordinary instant.

**couldn't find any photos of 17-year-old carrie. so here is 17-year-old mom.
such a fox! she was much more photogenic at 17 than I was.**

so in honor of writing this little blog to my future self - here are a few things I wish I could have told my high-school self.

1. you are not fat.

2. don't worry about losing the senior class-president election. you will be enormously thankful when you don't have to plan reunions in five and ten years.

3. that boy you like so much? the one who just seems so charming and fun and worth losing friends over? he's not.

4. please understand that red mascara is not as cool as you think it is.

5. not all friends are forever. sometimes God places people in your life for just a season. you will learn from them and love them and grow so much through knowing them. you will feel like your friendship will last forever. it won't. you will learn to be okay with this. you will learn to be thankful for this.

6. your dad is not as clueless as you think he is. you are furious now, when he refuses to let you go to the movies alone with that boy you think is great because he is rebellious and "carefree." but years from now, when you are 23, you will be inexpressibly thankful that he knew more about boys than you did.

7. there is absolutely no need to go tanning. you live in the mountains. it snows all the time. being tan in the middle of december is frankly, a little bit weird.

8. the friday nights you spend alone watching black-and-white movies and listening to music are actually a much better use of your time than the parties you are missing.

9. pray more.

10. stop complaining about where you live. it is one of the most beautiful places in the world. go outside more. furthermore, from here on out, you will live in cities where artificial light overshadows everything else. appreciate the stars.

11. please stop trying to be an adult. spend more time doing things that seem childish. you will really regret it if you don't.

12. and stop trying to be so serious. the serious world will knock you off your feet soon enough. for now, allow yourself to laugh when things are funny. allow yourself to smile.

13. it is okay if you don't have all the answers. it is okay if you can't fix every situation. it is all okay.

14. people you love will fail you. you will fail people you love.

15. try harder to understand grace. it is a pretty big deal.

17. get into the habit of waking up early. it will make things easier when you have to do it. for the rest of your life.

18. when ryan gives you a mix cd LISTEN TO IT. and ask for more. he knows what he's doing.

19. what they do at school dances is not dancing. it is gross. please give dancing another chance.

20. listen to the old record player your parents have more often. and appreciate their taste in music.

21. I know you feel like a loser with no friends. you are not a loser. and five years from now you will have friends. really great friends. in lots of different places.

22. appreciate people who disagree with you. learn to listen to them more often.

23. write more often. and save everything you write.

24. be okay with being different. with loving Jesus. with being yourself. even if you don't always know who that is.

25. seriously, red mascara. not a good look for you. or anyone really.

26. love yourself better. love others better. love God better.