27 September 2011

calm before the storm.

day off gives new meaning to the phrase "calm before the storm." it's amazing how one day things are going along and you are resting and healing and breathing. and then in an instant, everything changes. nothing is the same and nothing will ever be the same and you feel like you are under water. the ordinary instant indeed.
Remember your word, for you have given me hope. My comfort in my suffering is this - your promise preserves my life. psalm 119:49-50

24 September 2011

day off.



after almost a full year of planning, the big event is complete and I feel equally accomplished and exhausted. months of negotiating venue and catering and other important contracts. weeks of debating details like what kind of font to use on the program and how to assign tables while being aware of who needs to sit with whom...and who cannot sit with whom. and now I am tired. but if I ever get married, I will know exactly what to do. and if there were awards for excel formula building and delicately written emails to people with fragile egos I am pretty sure I would beat all the competition.

but this weekend was to rest. to sleep and heal my immune system that has been ravaged by stress and lack of sleep and existing almost entirely on dried cranberries and almonds.

friday was a day off and you know what I did? I taught myself how to poach an egg. I have always wanted to learn how to poach an egg. and I cleaned my room and wrote letters and watched a wonderful little movie in the middle of the afternoon. it was raining outside and I drank mt. hood vanilla and pretended I was in portland. I had the house to myself and I listened to quiet music and I even took a nap.

and then saturday came and you know what I did? I rested some more. I did not rush. I met a beautiful friend for coffee and she asked me how I was doing and really wanted to know. so I told her. and we talked. about what it's like to be yourself and trust in timing that is impeccable but so not what you would expect. and it was exquisite. and then I went to the movies all by myself. which, if you really want to know, is one of the best treats you can give yourself. and watched another wonderful little movie. and it made me feel melancholy in a good kind of way. in the way that also lets you feel hopeful at the same time. and then I did groceries and made dinner and went on a walk with my roommate. and we talked more.

and now tomorrow is sunday and for all intents and purposes my week is beginning. but for two days I did nothing of consequence. I did only what I wanted to do. and I think I am ready to take on this week. I think.

here are some photos from the big event. I didn't take any of them. but I did plan the whole thing. so I think I deserve to use them. all credit goes to this amazing lady.








{your eyes do not deceive. that really is isaac slade, lead singer of the fray.}

09 September 2011

this is it.



a lot of times I wish my life was neat and tidy. I wish I was settled in one place. I wish I knew what I am doing with the next 60 years of my life. (60? is that all I have left?) I wish I had a clean mind and a clean heart. sometimes even a clean room would be nice.

but then I think of this thrift store. I walked in and was instantly overwhelmed. but I also thought, yes. this is it. what an adventure. I had every intention of visiting the dozens of other hawthorne shops. every intention in the world. but this is where I ended up. for more than four hours. labyrinths of recycled hats and handbags and homemade scarves. racks upon racks of shoes and shorts from the 70s and shirts with pictures of sonny and cher. vintage typewriters and traditional record players tucked in corners. lamps and leftover armchairs and even a few sets of legos. I would discover different versions of the same thing in a million different places. I would leave something in one room and never be able to find it again. every where I turned there was something else to get excited about. spending only $12 was nothing short of a miracle. and a necessary sacrifice considering I had to get on a plane back to dc in a few days.

there was stuff everywhere and yes, I was a bit overwhelmed. at one point I actually had to sit down and take a break. on a discarded card table bearing the face of one elvis presley no less. but here's the thing. it was amazing. amazing to always be finding something new. amazing to spend minutes marveling at a previously loved porcelain doll that would haunt my nightmares, only to turn and marvel at a discarded painting that I would pay good money for. amazing to turn around and find my friend smiling at me from under, what I'm sure, was a very genuine ushanka. it was messy. and unorganized. and probably a little bit dirty. and I could not get enough.

and so I will remember the house of vintage and its lovely chaos. I will remember how I reveled in its horribly flawed organization "system." and I will rejoice in my own lovely chaos. in co-workers that are flawed just like I am. in plans for the future that I have yet to even freak out about. in a mind cluttered with bon iver lyrics I do not fully understand and the occasional philosophical enlightenment. in a heart full of a lot of heartache and a lot of joy. I will even rejoice in a clean room once a week. fine. once a month.

07 September 2011

lord willing.



flowers and unexpected care packages are getting me through this week.
one that is dreary and difficult and never-ending.
any other suggestions of how to get through a week like this?