02 January 2012

it's a strange and satisfying feeling to suddenly realize that you are comfortable being yourself. I spent years and years worrying about how people were thinking of me. years of keeping my mouth shut for fear of saying something wrong. years of trying to shave off parts of myself so I would fit in and not be as awkward as I really am. so my brokenness and messiness would not be so painfully obvious.

and then I spent more years and years unlearning that. fighting against comparisons and perceived inadequacies and forcing myself to be...myself. but you see the irony in that, right? I mean for one thing, it sort of defeats the purpose when I am still trying so hard to be someone. plus, how can I make myself be who I am when I don't even know who that is?

then, all of a sudden. I was sitting there, talking to someone at a party and it hit me. I was actually saying what I was thinking. I was actually doing what I wanted to do instead of what I thought other people wanted me to do. and when I did something terrifically awkward (which, let's be honest, I am prone to do quite often) I was okay with it. I was being myself. and it was actually kind of easy.

it turns our that being true to who I am is not the hard part. the hard part is figuring out who that is. now that I am finally discovering and embracing that, the "being myself" part comes kind of naturally. I sort of wish I had figured this out sooner.


Maria said...

Beautiful, Carrie.

maryleighcarter said...

Ah, I'm slowly figuring this out too! I'm glad that we can be our odd, awkward selves around each other :)