11 March 2012

thoughts from :: bad days & good news.

I had such a crappy day friday. my job just keeps getting harder and harder to handle. insecurities and doubts flooded over me like a dam had broken. nothing seemed to go right. and the day dragged on and on like it would never end. I felt exhausted and sick. a little lonely and a lot frustrated. I sat on the metro thinking I might be ill and wondering, for the hundredth time today, what it would be like to make the change I am so desperate for.

and then I got off the metro. and I had cell service again. and I was walking towards the ticket gate and my phone buzzed with a text message. and I opened it to news from one of my very dearest friends. good news. the kind of news that made me stop in my tracks and laugh out loud. because I just couldn't believe it. because I wasn't surprised at all.

I called her as tears began to form and when I heard her voice I just started crying and laughing uncontrollably. my fellow commuters glanced at me with confusion and amusement but it was all I could do to hold myself together. I didn't really notice anything except for her voice and our joy and all the memories of our life together flooding back to me like a different kind of dam had broken.

and now I can't stop thinking about all of it. I can't stop thinking about how we used to walk to new seasons on rare sunny days and buy olive rolls and strawberries and dark chocolate to eat on the bench outside our apartment with our legs tucked under us and the sun warming our rain-soaked skin. I can't stop thinking about how we used to sit on each other's beds with arms and legs and fingers intertwined talking about things as silly as the boys we had crushes on. talking about things as serious as the pain of our families and the suffering of children in Africa with horrible diseases like AIDS and poverty and the terribly corrupt world around them. and we would dream about the kind of men we would someday marry and the children we wanted to help right now. I can't stop thinking about traveling to germany and sleeping in the same bed and seeing the same amazing and devastating things and realizing that it was possible to get sick of each other after all. but I still missed her a week after we got back and I stopped seeing her everyday. I can't stop thinking about the months we didn't talk and about how it almost killed me everyday to think that she might not continue to be in my life in the same life-changing way as she always had been. I can't stop thinking about the day she met that boy who would become her husband. how she was cautious and a bit nervous but full of the same joy and patience that always seeps from her and covers everyone around her. and I can't stop thinking about their wedding and how it changed the way I think about love and marriage and life with someone else. because it was a day that I saw the perfect love of Christ mirrored in a more real way than ever before and ever since.

and now I can't stop thinking about how good she is going be at being a mom. and I can't stop thinking about how good he is going to be at being a dad. of all the people I know in all the world, I am most excited to see them as parents. of all the people I know in all the world, they are the two who were made to be parents. just like they were made, unequivocally and perfectly for each other. I don't believe in soul-mates really. but I believe they are soul-mates. and I believe that whatever happens, that baby (and any baby of theirs) is going to know the love of the Lord from this moment until, well, forever.

and I can't stop thinking about how we used to talk about how we would live together and raise our kids together and be sisters forever. and I can't stop thinking about getting back to the pacific northwest. because being apart from her for this journey might just kill me. missing the growing belly and the pregnant-lady hormones and the awe-inspiring way that I just know that husband will care for her might just kill me. only having photos and letters and the occasional phone call might just kill me. lincoln city to washington, dc just seems like an unfathomable distance now.

and what I really can't stop thinking about is this. how great God is. how undeniably cool and perfect and amazing he is. because friday was a bad day. but in the end, it wasn't. in the end, I remembered that at the same time everything falls apart everything comes together. we are broken but we are redeemed. and one day we will live with new life restored. and while bad days may happen too often. good days are right around the corner. that text message with a picture of a positive pregnancy test is right around the corner. and thankfully. wonderfully. new life is right around the corner.

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